WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM TV & THE MOVIES
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside
her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killerbeast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from else-where
in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him
48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption
or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment you turn on the tv.
